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Blake's Even is a series about dentists. Yes.

Plot-synopsis for the first season of Blake's Even (a new smash hit series, coming next fall)

'Onlay Crack': The famous 'painless' orthodontist Roj Blake denounces the Federation of Dentists for their total takeover of the HMO dental system and the elimination of the patients' free choice of dentists. He gives a rousing speech, ending with 'no one is free, unless all men and women have the right to smile without embarrassment, the ability to eat corn on the cob, and a checkup at 6 month intervals!' The crowd cheers, but Blake is taken away by the Tartars of Control and falsely convicted of not autoclaving his instruments between patients.

'Space Fill': En route to Gumless Awful, a planet totally devoid of fluoride, Blake's attempted mutiny fails, due in part to his reluctance to allow people to suffer. Kerr Avon, who was convicted of charging his patients for gold fillings but substituting gilt tinfoil (he started out as an accountant and somehow always managed to balance the books in his favor), sneers at Blake for this weakness. As Avon will later say in reference to their patients,'I see no need to use novacaine, or, indeed, any analgesic at all.' (This is particularly cruel in light of the fact that Nova Caine dies on the convict ship.) Blake, Avon and Jenna (a dental hygienist who looks really good in a short smock) escape aboard a spectacular space-vessel after Blake recognizes the false advertising in a promo video for gum-implantation. Jenna looks at Blake, touches a control, and the ship takes its name from her mind. The good ship Prophylactic will be a scourge to Tartar Control.

'Gumless Awful': Blake decides to turn Prophylactic into a traveling free dental clinic. Avon is against the idea, but once he saw the three huge hypodermic needles on the ship's exterior, he was determined to stay long enough to buy out Blake's share in the partner-ship so he will be able jab into planets that annoy him (which is most of them, actually). Seeking a crew, Blake goes to Gumless Alpha and recruits Olag Gan and Vila Restal. Blake is pleased because Gan is big enough to hold patients down in the chair if necessary and Vila has a secret formula for an alcohol-based mouthwash which kills every known germ (and about 30% of the people who accidentally swallow it).

'Slime Wad': Blake attacks Canine Major, the office-appointment center of the sector, destroying their records room and picking up Cally of Oral, a telepath who tells Blake to die alone and silent. Blake thinks she makes a nice change from Avon who is always bickering, and Vila who is always complaining, and Jenna who is always trying to get Blake to show her his drill, even though she has perfect dentition. Gan doesn't bother Blake. In fact sometimes Blake forgets Gan is on board and doesn't brew enough coffee for breakfast, which always hurts Gan's feelings. While Blake, Avon and Vila are down on Canine Major, the frozen patients Blake had picked up thaw out and get tired of sitting in the waiting room. Gan and Jenna have to cancel their appointments.

'The Floss': A creature floating in cinnamon-flavor Listerine entraps Prophylactic in miles of dental floss in order to force Blake to help in the destruction of a race of semi-intelligent cabbages. Blake decides instead to give the cabbages root canal treatments, which causes them to scream shrilly and destroy the Listerine Lab. Blake hadn't realized that, being plants, their roots were in their feet.

'Scrape-Pick-Polish': Blake accidentally leaves Cally behind while they are stealing a Fed. fax machine so they will get free dental supplies sample offers from the manufacturers instead of Tartar Control having all the Arm and Hammer toothpaste. Cally is taken prisoner by Travis, a Tartar Control career officer who hates Blake because Blake punched him in the mouth during a raid on Blake's Free Braces Party, knocking out all Travis's front teeth. Travis wears an ugly, ill-fitting bridge, so that he will make Blake feel guilty when next they meet. Blake rescues Cally and prevents her from knocking out the rest of Travis's teeth, because Travis's insurance won't cover it.

'Mission to Decay': Due to poor dental hygiene (and eating too many nachos), the entire planet of Decay is turning rotten. The Decaying ship, the Ortega, carries the only hope of the planet, a really big pack of those tablets that stain the dirty spots on your teeth red, so you can see where you haven't brushed properly. One of the Decadent folk tries to murder them all so she can sell the tablets to pirates (who have even worse dental hygiene) but Avon cleverly figures out a note from one of her earliest victims in which her name was written upside down in toothpaste on a dental chart. Avon then gets the chance to try out his new anesthesia on the murderer, but reluctantly decides that punching women out, while fun, is likely to hurt his hands, so in future he will stick to shooting people, kicking them, or whacking them over the head with big sticks. Blake extracts the Ortega and the pirates with a bomb, because he was tired of turning Prophylactic around to see what they were up to.

'Tool': Travis corners Blake, who decides on a desperate ramming maneuver, counting on Prophylactic's superior enamel coating to preserve them in a collision with Travis's Tartar-craft. A pair of bored mystics bring Blake and Jenna, Travis and a mutoid, down to their planet so they'll have a front-row seat at the fight. Gan, Cally and Vila watch via satellite TV. Avon gets bored once the popcorn runs out and goes to his room to floss in private. Travis builds an elaborate dentist chair and catches Jenna, tying her up in front of it, so Blake will fall into the chair. It almost succeeds, but Travis's mutoid becomes weak from lack of mouthwash (Travis's lack- with his poorly-fitting dentures, food becomes trapped and rots. Travis really is a stinker. When he got close and shouted an order in the mutoid's face, she fainted.) The mystics applaud the show and give Blake a head start on Travis. Jenna smacks Blake in the back of the head for looking at the younger Mystic.

'Protect Enamel': Travis and his superior, Servalan, plot to get Prophylactic by tricking Blake into taking aboard an android in the likeness of a famous dental rebel which will release a fast-acting bacteria that will turn all living matter into a giant cavity. Blake becomes suspicious because the Tartar Controls' hand-drills were not set to full power. He and his crew overpower the android and Avon enjoys the chance to torture something that at least looks like a patient. Blake retrieves the real Enamel, but promptly forgets about her, mostly because Jenna bashes him a good one upside the head when she catches him showing Enamel his drill.

'Break Crown': Gan shows Vila his party trick of cracking walnuts between his teeth, but it goes horribly wrong, and he cracks his molars. The pain drives him to incredible feats of viciousness, beating up everyone in the ship at least once. Avon admires this so much that he tells Blake the location of the Retirement Community for Sadistic Dentists (Avon had been putting a down-payment on an condo there for years) as they are the only ones who can handle molars the size and thickness of Gan's. The Sadistic Dentist they get betrays them of course, but Blake, having learned from watching Avon, offers to break the doctor's hands if he doesn't fix Gan. After Gan is fixed, the Tartar Controllers accidentally destroy the Retirement Community, which annoys Avon until he thinks about it and realizes that hanging around with Blake he really doesn't need to plan for his retirement.

'Discounty': Blake drags President Sarkoff away from his hobbies because he is needed back on Lindor to wean the population away from the cheap chocolate-covered raisins that the Federation is using to promote tooth decay until Lindor begs them for dental assistance. Amagon pirates take over Prophylactic, intending to turn them into the Feds for the reward, a 75% discount on all fillings, crowns, and even tooth-bleaching. Their leader always liked the way Jenna looked in a smock, so he thinks to keep her and go with the 60% discount instead. Jenna pretends to betray them while Vila frees everyone from the locked bomb-collars around their necks and Avon uses the dental pick he keeps in his shoe (no one wants to know *why* he stores it there) to open the door. The Amagons all die. Jenna whacks Blake upside the head for smiling at Sarkoff's daughter.

'Appearance': Seeing a ship burn up and eject life-capsules above the planet Catscan, Blake sends Avon, Vila, Gan, and Jenna down to look for survivors. They find one, badly injured, and take him up to the ship, but in the process, they leave Jenna behind. Blake is annoyed, thinking that Avon is always copying him; just because he left Cally behind once, Avon has to leave Jenna behind. Avon is embarrassed, because usually he can count better than Blake, so he volunteers to take Vila and Gan back down to look for Jenna. He doesn't wonder why Blake doesn't look for Jenna. If Jenna had put as many knots on Avon's scalp as she'd done to Blake's, Avon wouldn't want to look for her either. Once they've left, the dying man gets up and forces Blake (by threatening to drill Cally fatally) to go to his father, Ensor, who needs a new battery for his toothbrush, making Blake leave Avon and the others on Catscan constantly being exposed to radiation in far more than therapeutic levels. On Catscan Avon gets to hit a guy over the head, from behind, with a big stick, which cheers him up enough so that when a beautiful young woman falls at his feet and begs him to help her people, he turns on the switch that provides power for their Water-Pik Dental Appliance. After the man dies, Blake goes back for his crew and decides to take Ensor his battery and while he's there, see if the superior dental tool,' Plaque', Ensor created is worth buying for Blake's Cause.

'Plaque': On the way to the planet Aristo to pick up Plaque (or at least look at it) it becomes obvious that everyone who'd been down on Catscan is going to be filling in a casket soon unless they can get medicine from Plaque's creator. Blake and Cally go down to Aristo and meet Ensor, who is in the last stages of decay. Unfortunately, Servalan and Travis are also there, hunting Plaque, so our heroes have to hurry, which is the crowning blow for poor Ensor. Once everyone is safe and the sick people treated and feeling better, they all gather around for a look at Plaque, which turns out to be a talking pain in a box. Plaque decides it doesn't like any of them, so it says Prophylactic will fail. Everyone gets upset.


(Highlights of next season: Avon finds a midnight-blue leather dental smock and female patients fill the appointment book. Vila helps Cally with her new hobby- she's decided to make tooth necklaces.)

Blakes Even (season 2)
Plot-synopsis for the second season of Blake's Even (the smash hit series)


'Restoration': Avon informs Blake that saving Prophylactic from Plaque's prediction is very simple. They merely need to floss the exterior regularly. Avon's timing is poor, however, as several ships looking like Prophylactic's hypodermics attack while they are discussing whether to use plain or waxed. Prophylactic aids the hypodermics by trying to strangle Blake in strands of super-strong floss. Much to his embarrassment, Avon risks his own neck to keep Blake smiling.

They are forced to travel to The Cistern, where patients are subordinate to All Tartar Dental Assistants who worship an autoclave and dress in sterile wraps after having their brains autoclaved. A patient gets fed up and helps Blake escape from the waiting room. Vila had always been secretly frightened of dentists, so he helps the others escape, too. Prophylactic twists free of a gigantic set of braces, causing a terrific cross-bite, and the Cistern is left in the hands of the patients, who do nasty things with unclean dental implements to the All Tartars. As they flee, a duplicate Prophylactic is destroyed when its own Neutron Water-pik backs up. Plaque says he did it because he didn't want a cavity on his Prediction chart.

'Shadow On the X-Ray': Blake tries to recruit the Toothy Nostrums by going to Spice City, despite the TN's well-known practice of gouging patients abominably (Vila comments that they operate without anesthesia and charge for it). The Toothy Nostrums show no professional courtesy to fellow dentists, and lock them up in the waiting room. Hanna, a patient addicted to the candy given by Toothy Nostrum after a visit (only the first one is free) along with her brother, Bek, help them escape the waiting room.

Vila wanted to know how spicy Spice City was, so he talks Plaque into operating the toothapart to send him there and goes wild, eating all sorts of sticky sweets. Cally channels the spirit of a really nasty receptionist who tells Spice City she'll cancel all their appointments unless they release Blake, etc. In the meantime Plaque has become infected with Periodontal Disease and hides out of embarrassment.

The addict lets Blake analyze her candy, and Prophylactic journeys to Spicedrop World where Blake plans to blow up the source of the addictive Spicedrops, an inoffensive plant that likes to keep its cool. Driven mad by shame, Plaque kills the poor addict, and intends to crash Prophylactic. It tries to kill Cally, who flees and is comforted by the Spicedrops and helped to cleanse Plaque of disease. Blake rewards the Spicedrops by blasting them. Avon installs a fluoride device in Plaque to be sure the problem doesn't recur. Vila is remorseful. Cally asks him for a necklace of teeth. Blake tells Bek to set up his own dental clinic on Spice World

'Wipe On': Coser, a Beta-grade dental technician develops Imipik, a Water Pik that doesn't just clean teeth, it dissolves the whole patient. Having become a mad scientist, he goes into exile with a single follower on an uninhabited planet as required by law. Servalan, the Supreme Tartar, ruler of the Federation of Dentists, wants Imipik because of its delayed action feature. She can charge people for bad dental work, and then dissolve them when they try to sue. She gets advice from a Psycho, convinced by his lovely smile that he knows what he's talking about. A Set of False Blakes are made from Blake's dental records. Travis breaks one. The remaining False Blake's lovely smile convinces Coser to hand him Imipik. Servalan gets Imipik and amuses herself dissolving people for a while, then has Blake, Gan and Avon put down in the book for 'dissolve at a follow-up appointment'. However False Blake fit his mould better than she knew and, with the encouragement of Coser's obligatory minion, gets Imipik and uses it to drive Servalan and her minion, Travis, away from their planet and tells Blake he's cancelled their appointment with Servalan.

'Sore Zone': Tired after holding dental clinics all over the galaxy, the crew of the Prophylactic cruise off to Silly Marine the Jungle Resort, but the Fed. of Dentists has taken over and the only reservations they can get are in the mud-baths. Avon says 'He is not stripping, he is not exhibitionistic and he is not going,' but after a while he grows tired of listening to Prophylactic's musak (coincidentally with the arrival of three Tartar Pursuit ships intent on turning Prophylactic into paste). Avon goes down and laughs at muddy Blake while using his laserpik on various Fed. Tartars. Blake has made friends with Ro, the Ruler of Silly Marine, and with Cally's assistance, has convinced him that the Feds. are overcharging his people, and don't know the first thing about painless dentistry. Ro closes the Tartar's office permanently.

'Pressure Sensitive': The Prophylactic returns to the Molar System, ostensibly because Blake wants to pick up some Fed. patient brochures, but once they are there, he convinces the crew that they need to wipe out Central Cavity, the appointment registry for the whole Federation of Dentists. As Avon has a bet on with the Toothy Nostrum, he insists on at least an even chance they'll pull the Fed. fangs. Blake and Gan go to Earth and discover the rebel dentist they were planning to join for a seminar has been permanently delayed. Blake doesn't mention this to Avon and Vila who nearly get over-exposed in the x-ray field surrounded Central Cavity. Blake is very disappointed to discover that Central Cavity is empty. As they are leaving Travis tickles the building's palate and drops the roof on Gan, who tells Blake, 'Go, I'm not worth bleaching for, much less dyeing.'

'Trial Sample': Blake feels guilty about Gan's dyeing- he looked terrible with red teeth- so he goes to an unnamed planet where he can bite his fingernails without Avon nagging him. Unfortunately, he has chosen the planet Spittoon, and it fills up while he's there talking to an alien who's too nervous to sit still in the presence of a dentist. Avon rescues Blake so Cally and Jenna won't nag him. Blake decides to clean between Spaces Command in honor of Gan (who Avon had unkindly described as a mentally unoccupied space). Spaces Command has just got through convicting Travis off overbooking his office- over 1,400 shoddy extractions in one day, and is about to remove his license to make money by causing pain and suffering, despite his protest that's what dentists are trained to do. Blake's attack allows Travis to escape.

'Painkiller': Blake needs a T.P. crystal, in order to resonate with Fed. Tooth-Polishers. In an unprecedented fit of nostalgia for the good old days at Dental Fraud School, Avon takes Vila to Flossferon to meet Avon's old roommate, Tynus, who has always had a thing for creatures without teeth. Avon is relieved that he's now playing with naturally toothless grasshoppers, instead of promoting his line of Gumby pets. Back on Prophylactic, Cally tells Blake the old ship being retrieved by the Feds. is rotten. She can tell because when she bites down, it creaks. Blake goes to Flossferon and tries to use Plaque to help the Feds. against a virulent outbreak of infectious gingivitis. Tynus tries to turn Avon in for the reward. Avon gives Tynus a complete set of unneeded x-rays, and the charge really burns Tynus up. All the Feds. get gingivitis and drool terribly. Avon gives Blake Tynus's used T.P. and suggests they let the rest of the Feds. get gingivitis, but Blake puts up a sign telling them to brush after every meal and floss carefully.

'Flossage': The Tartar Patrol has been really pushing Prophylactic, because the Fed. of Dentists want Servalan to finish the course of treatment on them so they can close their old appointment books. Travis calls Blake threatening to push his cousin Inga's teeth in unless Blake agrees to set up a mutual practice with him opposing the Feds. Avon sneakily calls Servalan to come fetch her former junior partner, Travis, figuring that way Blake won't even see Travis, but, as usual, his timing was off (he always mistimed the setting of molds, etc.) and Prophylactic arrives before Servalan. Avon sneaks down after Blake to planet X-ray to try to help, but stuffs that up, too. Travis's scurvy crew catch just about everyone, but the women save the day. Blake and Inga examine each other's tonsils, and then Inga insists on setting up her own dental clinic on X-Ray now that she has access to the supplies in the abandoned base the Scurvies found. Servalan arrives late and tells Travis she'll let him go, as long as he promises to pull Blake's teeth.

'Bitedown': Prophylactic arrives at Allbitten looking for a dentist who might know the location of Central Cavity's new office just as the planet completes a seemingly successful change of dentists. However the Fed. of Dentists hate to let a patient go, and have left a So Long Smile bomb ready to explode, wiping the grins off everyone on the planet. Avon is unpleasantly startled to discover Del Grant led the revolt and still hates Avon as much as ever for (as he thinks) leaving Anna to suffer the Fed. Dental Chair in his place. Avon and Grant work together to disarm the So Long Smile bomb. Avon says he would have taken root canal without analgesic for Anna's sake. He saves the whole planet, including Grant, by shoving a toothpick into the mechanism at the right time, so Grant relents and decides Avon isn't a bad dentist after all. Just normally greedy and unscrupulous. Blake has found the Fed. dentist he was looking for, but the man is in desperate need of treatment. Blake promises to squeeze him in for an emergency appointment if he'll tell where Central Cavity is. The man tells him it's now called Tartar One and a renegade prosthodontist named Doc Holely is the only one who knows where it is, but then he decides he can't wait for the appointment and shuts his mouth forever.

'Veneers from the Paste': Blake begins hearing waiting room musak in his head, goes slightly insane and is strapped into a dentist's chair while Plaque and Jenna try to convince him to hear rock and roll instead of Mantovani's 101 strings. While Jenna is resting from Mantovani, Blake tells Vila that Avon and Cally plan to set up their own office and leave him without any income, so Vila locks everyone else up, and lets Blake take Prophylactic to an abandoned fluoride mine. Several high-ranking Fed. dentists there reveal that they brought Blake so they could form a consortium to turn the Federation of Dentists into a universal force for good oral hygiene. Over the objections of his crew, Blake takes Prophylactic to the Dental Convention. Servalan has preempted the convention and one of the advisory dentists turns out to be Travis wrapped in yards of packing and gauze. Avon smashes the office radio, and Blake is released from the spell of Mantovani, allowing Prophylactic to escape.

'Gumbit': Blake takes Prophylactic to Free Gum City, going down with Cally and Jenna to search for Doc Holey. Vila and Avon want Free Gum, too, so they sneak down with Plaque and have a lot of fun cheating the dentists of Free Gum, up until the Free Gummers cheat back, and Vila is very nearly shocked. Jenna and Cally have fun making backbiting remarks. Servalan and her new assistant, Jarriere, get Travis in the Chair and mess with his filling, but let him go because they want to follow him to Doc Holey. Blake and Travis find Doc Holey who fixes Travis's filling and tells Blake the name of the only man to escape the nitrous oxide overdose ordered by Feds. Gurgling is the only one who knows where Tartar One is. Avon and Vila get back and hide their gum under the seat cushions just in time.

'The Retainer': Prophylactic goes to Gulp, looking for Gurgling's brain-print, supposed to be around the neck of Gulp ruler. Jenna and Vila get grabbed by Gulps while Avon is off making a cavity out of Travis's ship as a present for Blake. (By this time it's fairly obvious Avon is smitten by Blake's smile, because he keeps dropping dead, and half-dead, things at Blake's feet, looking for approval.) Jenna, Vila and Blake all grope Gulps, looking for the brain-print containing the answer. Eventually we get down to daddy-Gulp, in the basement, and find that he had the brain-print, but Travis got there first and snatched it. Blake is grinding his teeth (very bad for the enamel), which triggers the post-hypnotic command given to Gurgling's last patient, the daddy-Gulp's faithful retainer, who gives Blake the location of Tartar One.

'Tartar One': Tartar One is breaking down; cross-bites, overbites, and malocclusions of all types run rampant across the Federation of Dentists. Blake tells his crew he knows the destruction of Tartar One will destroy many dentures, cause braces to wear agonizingholes in children's gums, and even promote tooth decay, but he is still going to destroy it, so that people will be forced to follow his rules of good oral hygiene. They find Tartar One just inside a massive mine-field of explosive candy balls, which seems like a lot of trouble to go to for a practical joke. They discover that Travis has betrayed everyone to aliens who are jealous of our bone structure, and especially our teeth. As Avon says when he shoots one and it dissolves into slime and runs down the spit-cup drain, 'They would be hard to buff.' Blake shoots Travis, who shoots Blake who yells at Avon, who shoots Travis again, blowing him into the basin where he's sucked down and disposed of for good. Everyone gets back to Prophylactic in time to see an entire convention of Andromedans arriving. Blake smiles at Avon who agrees to stay and fight to the last Neutron Water-pik.


Highlights of Season Three: Blake runs off with his favorite dental assistant, Jenna, allowing Avon to take over the old partnership along with a few new employees. Many people get their teeth pushed in as Avon tries to figure out how to make money as a rebel dentist.


Blakes Even (3rd Season)
Plot-synopsis for the third season of Blake's Even (the smash hit series)


'Afterrinse':The Prophylactic shuts down for redecorating after handling innumerable Andromedan patients, forcing the crew to take a holiday. Vila and Cally send Avon and Plaque to the shore. Dayna is impressed by Avon's bedside manner (when he's unconscious his mouth is shut). In his turn Avon is impressed by the range of painful dental tools Dayna has invented. Servalan shows up and recognizes Dayna's father as a renegade dentist who fled rather than give his patients compulsory orthodonture. Due to Fed. torture he is able to see only via a chest x-ray machine, which Servalan smashes before permanently closing his record books and stealing Plaque. Dayna's sister gets caught by the primitive local dentists and hangs around waiting for treatment far too long. Dayna vows to root canal Servalan, and helps Avon retrieve Plaque. Prophylactic's toothapart picks up Avon and Dayna before she can carry out her vow.

'Pasteplay': Prophylactic has a severe Fed. Tartar build-up. Dayna and Avon pretend to be innocent patients, so naturally the Tartars knock them out and lock them in a waiting room. When Dayna and Avon wake up and escape they discover a dead Tartar, impaled on his own dental pick.

Meanwhile Vila and Cally are reunited on the planet Presto-Chango where all the medical treatment is of very high standards, which seems lucky, because Vila has broken his arm. However, the Changos attempt the 'sawing people in half' trick on them.

Fortunately, back on Prophylactic, Del Tarrant has revealed that he isn't really a Tartar, and smiles to prove it. Prophylactic is cleaned of Tartar and its toothapart rescues Vila and Cally, saving them by the skin of their teeth.

'Eruption': Looking for a place to set up a planetside clinic (and also asking if anyone's seen Blake because Avon misses him- no one ever mentions looking for Jenna), Prophylactic's crew goes to the planet Ouchsideagain because Dayna's father had been a colleague of its leader. The leader isn't interested because he has turned the whole planet into a painless dentistry clinic. His son tries to make a deal with the Federation of Dentists and captures Dayna and Tarrant for Servalan. Vila is tricked into toothaparting Tartars to Prophylactic and sending Cally down to Ouchsideagain. Avon uses his best weapon -- his mouth -- to tell Dental (Prophylactic's computer) to bite the Fed. ships. Avon gets shot in the right arm (it's a popular place for wounds). Vila and Avon are alone, with nothing to do but drink painkillers. Ouchsideagain's leader releases Dayna and Tarrant who rescue Cally (Tarrant gets shot in the leg, so as not to upstage Avon.) They return to Prophylactic in time to watch Ouchsideagain erupt when the leader decides that if he can't run his office his way, he'll close it permanently.

'Decay of the Gums': Plaque becomes interested in a Black Cavity, and forces Prophylactic to enter it. Avon tries to put on a protective sealant, but Tarrant argues that he shouldn't have a dental advantage, which seems unfair considering how often Tarrant gets his own teeth bleached. The Black Cavity is really an artificial planet, Canker, owned by a dentist who was deemed a legend of Cally's people and he uses his tooth-pulling equipment to steal other dentist's equipment. The Lord Thaarn wants Prophylactic chewed up into usable bits, but Plaque helps Dental fight this.

The Lord Thaarn wants Avon and Tarrant to work on cleaning the calculus off his teeth with their bare hands. Avon prefers to use machines.

Cally smiles seductively at the Thaarn who lets her shoot him. Tarrant smiles seductively at one of the Thaarn's assistants, who puts the Thaarn's tooth-pulling machine into reverse. Prophylactic escapes as Canker pulls itself to bits.

'The Hardness of Canines': Avon finds a perfect dental reflector, and is so fascinated by it that he barely notices Tarrant save the Prophylactic from Tartars, or Tarrant's plan to seize the Fed.'s entire harvest of Canine pans, a crystal that gives the native creatures minty fresh breath when they eat it. The harvest takes place just before the creatures' equivalent of prom night, so they are very aggressive.

Servalan is distracted by a no-nonsense, no anesthetic, dentist named Jarvik, who tells her to shut up and throws her on a dental couch, thus revealing her previously unknown desire to be treated as a doormat. Facing the youth and bravery of Tarrant, instead of the age and treachery of Avon, Jarvik hides Tartars in the crates supposedly full of Canine pans and takes over Prophylactic.

Servalan sends Prophylactic's crew down to Canine to be eaten by the Canines, but through a really remarkable coincidence (considering the planet had never been colonized and if it had, this vehicle wouldn't have been any use, and it would have rusted away in the Molar System about a thousand years previously in any event) an antique molar lander just happened to be fully fueled, in perfect working order, and sitting in a warehouse about ten feet away from them when they arrive.

The Prophylactic's crew takes a nap and then Servalan sends Jarvik down to collect a few teeth as souvenirs to prove he really is sadistic enough for her. Jarvik threatens to punch Tarrant's teeth out, so Tarrant surrenders. Dayna is the only other one of them man enough to fight him, but when a Canine comes sniffing around, Jarvik panics and has them both toothaparted up to Prophylactic.

Tarrant miraculously figures out how to fly the Molar Lander in about two minutes, and Avon sticks his dental reflector on the radio antennae. Servalan looks at her reflection, and realizes to her horror that she has a corn kernel stuck between her teeth. She panics, Jarvik gets accidentally drilled, and the Tartars flee, leaving our heroes/heroines back in charge of the Prophylactic.

'The Cavity at the Edge of the Mouth': Tarrant feels the need to regain status as lead dentist after the debacle of Canine pans, so he threatens to kick Vila off the staff of the Prophylactic if he doesn't go down and run an errand for some people who promised Tarrant the crate of rubber tips they need for their Neutron Water-pik. The Teetharn people instead use Vila to open a Cavity leading to another world. At first the Teetharni thought a renegade dentist named Bayban could do the job, but he was all 'pliers and screaming', instead of Vila's finesse and delicate handwork.

One of Bayban's mercenary dentists, a lady named D-rill, falls for Vila's smile and his nice hands --small hands are a valuable dental asset-- and she asks him to fill her cavity. After the procedure, they notice they've gone through the Cavity at the Edge of the Mouth, and the ground is strewn with rubber Water-pik tips, so Vila pockets some and goes back to shove them up Tarrant's nose. All the Teetharni people go through the Cavity to their new world. Bayban has a hissy fit and turns his Water-pik on full, totally ruining the dental office, but since he was the only one left there, it doesn't matter much. Vila mildly regrets not having stayed on the other side of Cavity with D-rill.

'Babyteeth of Oral': Avon wants to go to the Molar System to extract the dentist who operated on his girlfriend. Cally gets an emergency call from her sister, Seltzer, saying that everyone is going fizzy around the mouth at home, and they really need dentists. Tarrant offers to punch Avon in the mouth if he says no, so they go to Oral.

Servalan is behind Oral's trouble, wanting to blackmail them into moulding up a batch of baby Servalans for her, and then letting Oral all go fizzy anyway because they don't belong to her HMO dental plan.

Most of Prophylactic's crew gets caught by Servalan, again, and once more she gloats and forgets the Evil Overlord Dentist Manual (you capture your enemy, you kill them without delay). The Prophylactic's crew escapes, runs around like headless chickens (Avon only stumbles a few times: let's face it, dental geeks are not natural athletes) and gets to the mould factory where they try to convince Seltzer to come with them, but Servalan's little mouldlings need to be burped, so Seltzer stays to do that. Servalan's current head assistant convinces her the mouldlings belong to her other current head assistant, and in a truly inspired moment of idiocy, Servalan believes him (would the other assistant honestly think for an instant that he could bring aboard a batch of boy babies and have Servalan think they were her replicas?). Servalan zaps the mouldlings, extracting Seltzer at the same time, and then extracts her assistant when she realizes her mistake. Prophylactic escapes along with a case of 5,000 mouldlings of Oral, and two cured Orals to look after them.

'Rumours of Decay': Avon turns himself in to the Fed. Dental clinic and is tortured for free for five days (lucky sod) before the Sadistic Dentist who extracted Anna shows up (no doubt he was on holiday on Bermuda-world with his yacht). Gum-shrinker has lousy aim and offers to drill Avon's eyeball. Tarrant and Dayna show up and toothapart Avon and his torturer/victim. Vila gives Avon some green Listerine, because Avon really needs it.

Avon leaves Gum-shrinker in a cavity after he tells Avon that a Mystery Dentist named Bartholomew took out Anna and Servalan is the only one who knows Bartholomew's true identity.

Avon insists on going to the Presidential Dental Office. In the meantime, Rebel Dentists have sneaked their way in under the perimeter dental floss and taken over the PDO, messed up Servalan's tacky dress and chained her up in the basement so they can hold a Dental Union meeting without her interrupting (Evil Overlord Dentist Manual recommends holding meetings after you're safely back in your own territory).

Avon finds Servalan and promises to let her go if she'll tell him the truth about Bartholomew and Anna. Servalan grins, which should have told Avon to forget the whole thing and toothapart up. Anna shows up and fails to convince Avon that this isn't going to hurt a bit. Avon gives her a shot. Servalan smirks and Avon gives her a shot, but misses and breaks her chains.

Avon hasn't played drama queen for several minutes, so he takes off his toothapart bracelet and is left behind when Vila rescues the others. Servalan thinks about extracting him, but wants to scare the rest of the Prophylactic's crew by sending up bits of Avon. (sigh Evil Overlord recommends: shoot first, gloat later), so naturally she mistimes it and Avon returns to Prophylactic where Vila gives him more green Listerine as a gentle hint that he really should floss after talking to Servalan.


'Halitosis': Having forgot what always happens when you find a disabled alien spacecraft, Avon, Vila and Cally go sightseeing in one, hoping to find interesting alien dental charts, possibly. Instead they find a patient long beyond need of care, a blue egg-shaped object and a lot of silver dental floss. The alien ship tries to kill them of course, but when Cally holds hands with Avon and Vila, the toothapart is able to save them all. There are lots of free-floating visions of Prophylactic's crew in different coloured dental smocks, possibly caused by breathing too much Nitrous Oxide aboard the defunct dental clinic.

An evil alien dentist hatches out of the blue egg and moulds herself to look like Cally, only with extra sparkle. Cally falls asleep (probably from breathing too much Nitrous Oxide). Avon is the only one who can stand up to the evil alien dentist, using his secret weapon on her. (Suddenly Vila's constant offer of breath-mints and mouthwash to Avon makes sense. His breath is so bad it weakens anyone he kisses.) After they wipe up the mess, all is back to normal on Prophylactic.

'Ultra-brite': Prophylactic wanders over to a giant glittery dental reflector. There is a great deal of discussion about this probably being dangerous, and unlikely to do much more than maybe add a datum to Plaque's memory bank, so they hang around just to see what would happen, and leave Cally alone on watch since she's acting peculiar and it'll be fun to see what staring at the reflector will do to her. (Avon is apparently not the only Sado-Masochistic Dentist on board.)

To everyone's surprise, Cally winds up on the dental reflector, calling for help. Vila has been enjoying himself teaching Plaque real groaners of jokes (everything was forgot during the New Calendar except for bad jokes, no doubt handed down Delta to Delta, along with the recipe for ice cubes.)

Everyone except Vila goes down and meets the Ultra-brites, who are assembling a Dental Encyclopedia. The Ultra-brites mention that Cally showed up looking down in the mouth, so they put her to bed. When no one is looking Avon gets whacked over the head (he really ought to wear a helmet) and, after will power fails against Nitrous Oxide, he's snoring away. The Ultra-brites admire Avon's adenoids, and decide to feed him and Cally to their Pulp (the centre of Ultra-briteworld).

They force Dayna and Tarrant to show them what a kiss is (naturally having chosen the two with the shiniest teeth) mainly to fill in the gaps in their Classic Star Treks (Kirk had so many different definitions for 'kiss' that they were confused.) Dayna pulls out an explosive tooth and blasts their way to freedom. Yay, Dayna. Tarrant is looking groggy (possibly Dayna's kiss has something in common with Avon's.) They grab Avon and Cally just before they're chewed up and then refill their memories (there was a 50/50 chance they'd get it right, and considering how often really wild coincidences happen on Blake's Even, that's a sure bet.)

Vila tells the Pulp such hairy old jokes that the Pulp yawns too wide and breaks its jaw.

Prophylactic twists free of a gigantic set of braces, causing a terrific cross-bite (hmm...déjà vu) and they escape whilst Ultra-briteworld blows up in a pretty sparkly effect with lots of added fluoride.

'Molar': Avon is piqued because Servalan hasn't been breathing down his neck in two whole episodes, so he follows her around, making Vila nervous that they'll be arrested as stalkers. Servalan winds up on a very remote dental outpost seeking a promised wonderful Dental Weapon, but has been tricked by Sadistic Tartar Dentists who want to use her ship as a mould to set up their own Galactic Dental Clinics under the control of the computer-generated rubber chicken puppet they keep to amuse frightened children, Molar.

Tarrant smiles at Vila, and before Vila's retinas recover from the blinding flash, he's got them both toothaparted onto a ship carrying more Sadists in training to be Dentists to the remote dental outpost.

For a change, Tarrant gets captured, and Vila sneaks in undercover dressed as a Sadistic Dentist, towed along behind another Sadist in training and he actually gets Servalan tied up and at his mercy. Vila doesn't put his hand in crocodiles' mouths for fun, so he lets Servalan go, and runs like 'ell in the other direction. Avon and Dayna feel left out of the being captured and beaten-up stuff, so they toothapart down, and Avon gets his wrist twisted which makes him very happy. Vila and Tarrant annoy Avon by rescuing him just when it was getting good.

Molar insists on being toothaparted, intending to take over Prophylactic. Avon smiles because he knows that the hand up Molar's backside won't toothapart and he'll be nothing without it.

Having had his fun, Avon lets the Prophylactic run away from Servalan's ships.

'Mouth-wash': Vila talks everyone into going on holiday to the Teal-Vandor Dental Convention, but when they get there, he's disappointed to find it's very boring. No half-naked girls leaping out of cakes, no fat men in red fezzes getting drunk, no nothing except two representatives of opposing dental clinics competing to see which one can drill the other faster.

By yet another incredible coincidence (sigh) Tarrant's twin brother (which Twin has the Toni?) is the champion for Teal. And Servalan is one of the judges. (You can already tell how this is going, can't you?) Avon goes down and kisses Servalan - their Kisses of Death apparently cancel out, because neither of them keels over.

Tarrant's brother, Teeter, gets drilled. Tarrant actually gets shiny eyes for a few seconds before sucking it up and listening eagerly to Avon talk about cheating to counter Servalan's cheating. It turns out that Teeter's opponent, Tinny, was a fake Dentist and if anyone finds out, Teal and Vandor will be so upset that they could join the Fed. of Dentists.

Dayna goes down and whispers sweet nothings in Servalan's ear about root canals and long, blunt needles, which cheers both of them up no end.

Tarrant drills Tinny into bits too tiny to analyse, and then Prophylactic leaves before Tarrant can be elected new Dental Defender of Teal, in which case he would get shot at marginally more often than on Prophylactic (but would be better paid - Avon forgets to mention that part to him).

'Sublingual': Avon really misses Blake (for whatever reason) and so when he gets a message from Blake he kicks everyone off the Prophylactic's flight deck, sticks a gun in Tarrant's ribs when he complains, flies Prophylactic through some disgusting Dental Dissolving Solution, and in general carries on cranky until they reach the planet Sublingual.

Avon then says that he's expecting it to be a trap, but he hasn't had any fun since Blake left, so he's going anyway, nyah, nyah, nyah, so no one had better follow him or he'll drill them.

Naturally, challenged like that, Tarrant and Cally toothapart immediately after Avon, but with his usual grace and skill, he's already been sedated and trundled into Servalan's operating theater, where she removes all his wisdom teeth (they were cracked in any case.) and convinces him Blake is here, and needing constant medical supervision or all his teeth will fall out.

Vila and Dayna run around Prophylactic, trying to clean and polish the place, but the Dissolving Solution is putting the clinic out of business right before their eyes. Dental is going mad, and at any moment they expect him to sing 'Daisy, Daisy'.

Avon refuses to give Servalan Prophylactic in exchange for Blake, but then Cally and Tarrant show up and hand her the keys because they know the neighborhood's going downhill and they'd quite like Servalan to go with it. Avon sulks, and Servalan tells him that he was a total idiot, that Blake's mouth was permanently sealed over a year ago.

Tarrant tells Avon to shut up, which astonishes him into silence. The junior partner never tells the senior partner to shut up. Servalan and her assistants toothapart up to take over Prophylactic.

Vila and Dayna toothapart down with Plaque. The former Prophylactic crew all watch on a monitor as the ship dissolves into sludge and swirls down the galactic drain. Avon remembers he still has a devastating smile, and uses it.



Highlights of Season Four: Prophylactic is replaced by a more economical model. Avon gets long in the tooth. Vila uses more green Listerine. Things in general get run-down at the clinic.

Blakes Even (Season 4 and final)

Plot-synopsis for the fourth season of Blake's Even (the smash hit series)

'Rinse Cue': Cally ceases to be a contributing partner in the firm, falling down flat on the job. An extremely friendly fellow named Drillian shows up with his ship, the Sore Pit Oh! ; Avon recognizes a kindred Sadistic Dentist by his lovely smile, and plans to take over his practice. Soon after the ex-Prophylactic's crew arrives at Nitrous Oxide base, Drillian has his dental hygienist, Soolin, clean out their guns and forces most of them (including Soolin, because he was tired of her doing her hair during office hours) down into his basement waiting room, where they will have only the same issue of Reader's Digest to look at until their brains synchronize and they haven't an original thought between them. Fortunately, Vila had been at Drillian's Listerine and the minty fresh feeling gave him confidence enough to slip a working implement to Avon, who drilled Drillian, who abruptly becomes very long in the tooth indeed, before taking a tooth-powder.

' Pliers': Avon goes around the neighborhood putting out fliers to try to drum up business, but runs afoul of a 'Back-to-Nature' group called Gumpicks who are against fluoridated water, etc. and so they hit Avon on the head. Vila discovers the Sore Pit Oh! is locked with an Unclear Impression charge and the others think unhappily about having to eat roughage since they won't be able to get to the supermarket. Gum Sore, the leader of the Gumpicks, is thrilled to get the chance to beat up on a Sadistic Dentist. Avon manages to get clunked over the head again and they bring him home to wait for him to wake up so they can discuss dental ethics some more.

A rival tribe of the Gumpicks has been decimated because basically, well, they're women, and women don't have as strong jaws as men, so they're not as good at chewing up the scenery. One of the two remaining Sisters-can jaws with Avon and bashes him over the head yet again, making it his personal best for one day.

Dayna tries to convince Gum Sore of the value of good dental hygiene, and the Sisters-can secretly help her. Gum Sore is impressed. Avon figures out how to use the Sisters-Can special dental appliance to finish the incomplete Toothapart (what a coincidence! Only 2 of the things in the universe and Avon stumbles over both of them!) he inherited from Drillian, but a Sister-can beats him to the Sore Pit Oh! so that he's forced to demonstrate the superiority of masculine dentition by talking her to death. Soolin joins the practise.

'Tartar': The Federation of Dentists compulsory fluoridation/laughing gas campaign is rapidly regaining all the clinics they lost after the Andromedan war, and more. The Sore Pit Oh! goes to Hellohowstricks to try to find out how it's done. Dayna and Tarrant find a mad scientist (sub-category B- 'Angry'-this type lives on populated worlds) who gives them a gallon of anti f/lg pills he just happens to have lying about the place and they give some to the Hellotricksians who have fun drilling Feds in the mouth without anesthesia.

Servalan shows up and kills one of the Tartar Dentists because he had put up a black velvet painting of her in his office. Later she kills the mad scientist because he's talked back to her, and had bad breath. After that another Tartar Dentist with bad breath kisses her, and she cleans his teeth starting from the back of his neck, which is 100% effective at curing breath, bad or otherwise. Avon vows to take out Servalan's tonsils, personally.

'Brace Drive': Avon gets Sore Pit Oh! dented in the parking lot, and whilst he and Tarrant are trying to pull the fender away from the wheel, some Tartar ships cruise past and fall apart without Avon even baring his teeth at them. This hurts his feelings so he tracks down the reason they fell apart: Space Brats in really fast Choppers.

Avon sends Dayna and Vila to the Space Brats clinic to steal parts to make Sore Pit Oh! as fast as a Chopper. They find a mad scientist Dr. Plaqueston (sub-category B) and bring her back in order to hook up the Brace Drive. Tartars attack while Dr. Plaqueston is finishing up in the operating theater, so Avon turns on the Brace Drive before she can get her lead apron on and is X-rayed various ugly colours before becoming completely over-exposed. Avon is just as glad; he didn't want to add another name to the door of the clinic. Gilt is expensive.

'Amalgam': Avon sends Dayna looking after her old pediatric dentist, Rustytin, having had a change of heart about adding new partners. He just doesn't have enough patience patients, so he figures he'll splurge on gilt (he once told Jenna all he knew about gilt was what he had read, but he failed to tell her he read the Encyclopaedia of Gilt).

Servalan hears the Sore Pit Oh! is in the area, and in her usual competitive spirit, decides to drop in and give Rustytin an offer he can't refuse. Rustytin has created Amalgam creatures, but they all ran away from his bad breath. While tracking the runaway Amalgam, Dayna hits her head (Avon's Syndrome, it's contagious) and Servalan convinces her that Rustytin has such bad breath she should help Servalan forcibly wash his mouth out with soap.

Avon and the others get bored waiting for Dayna and show up. Rustytin tells Servalan he'll work for her if only she makes Dayna think his breath smells like roses. Dayna is horrified, but has no choice and is forced to think Limburger smells like American Beauty. Tarrant and Avon discover what an untidy office Rustytin has and aren't really sorry when the Tartars drill Rustytin and the last remaining Amalgam, Ouch. Dayna cries because Ouch reminded her of her teddy bear. (Her blind father made it, so it's not surprising.)

' Thumbsucker': Avon makes a deal with Dr. Molar (no relation to Molar the chicken puppet) to try out his new robot dentist. The robot unfortunately doesn't want to be an assistant, and operates on Molar, then substitutes Molar's dental records for its own to trick Tarrant and Vila into bringing it back to Nitrous Oxide because it wants to go into partnership with Plaque. Having learned from Avon and Vila to steal everything that's not tacked down, Tarrant picks up the box containing the robot's dental records, too, so the robot attacks him. Vila bashes it one and it plays dead while seducing Sore Pit Oh!'s computer, Snivel, into acting tough.

When Sore Pit Oh! arrives at Nitrous Oxide, Plaque advises Avon to deactivate the toothapart because he's afraid of catching cooties from whatever made Snivel develop a bad attitude. Avon goes along with it until all the lights and heating fail in Sore Pit Oh! and he thinks of the expense of scraping both Vila's and Tarrant's names off the office door. The robot uses the toothapart to sneak into the base and seduces Avon's gun into blowing up. This really hurts Avon's feelings as he thought he and the gun had a secure and loving relationship.

Plaque seduces Soolin into eloping with him. Vila opens the box of dental records and Avon finds out the robot has wired jaws and he just needs to slip in a pin to shut its seductive mouth. Avon wires up a bridge and operates on the robot. Avon gets a real charge out of it, but is disgruntled when the others destroy his handiwork along with the robot because they think Avon's mouth is dangerous enough, without adding in a seductodroid's abilities.

'Extraction': While tuning the office radio to a news station because he's sick of Avon's Sentimental Rock favourites (there's only so many times you can listen to 'He's a rebel') Vila encounters a very cleverly coded message broadcast to the universe that takes about three seconds for them to decode as Servalan is going to planet Dunno to hire Oral Cancer, the best Extractor in the business to pull all their teeth.

Avon hasn't been beaten up recently, so he arranges to be captured by the slavers of Dunno. He meets an old man, Needsrocks, whose false teeth inspire even Avon's hard heart to pity, so he gives the man his mush. Servalan buys Avon for far too much money (she really wants to see how much fun a Sado-masochistic dentist in black leather can be). Needsrocks and Dayna rescue Avon from Servalan, which makes him sulky, so he goes to Oral's ship and lets Cancer kicks the bezooties out of Tarrant. Once Tarrant is no longer smiling, Avon is and he pulls a water-pik on Cancer, capturing him.

Cancer has a girl named Whiny who says he bought her because he wanted to celebrate the extractions by filling her cavity. Tarrant eats this up, and Avon also listens to Whiny at least a little, but Soolin slaps her in the whining chops (to the audience's cheers) when Needsrocks turns up with his whistling false teeth problem permanently solved and Cancer on the loose.

As it happens Whiny is actually the Real Oral Cancer, cleverly disguised by having her hair loose (the 'You're beautiful, Miss Jones!' syndrome done in reverse) and the tightness of her bun turns her annoying whines into annoying gloating as she ties Avon up instead of just extracting him, no muss, no fuss. (Honestly, why do Evil Overlords have rules if no one follows them?) Servalan gloats along via monitor. The false Cancer is just hanging about, since Whiny set her rubber spider on him and scared him to death. She had also set her spider on Soolin, but Soolin grew up watching Dr. Who and wasn't bothered by it. Soolin rescues Avon, Whiny gets scared by her own spider and everyone gets back on Sore Pit Oh! in time for tea. Dayna plays 'mother'. Soolin tells Vila that too many sweets (like Whiny) will get you a large cavity.

'Gums': Avon has made a deal to steal Feldon crystals, because they are the hardest known substance in the universe and make fantastic false teeth. By coincidence *cough* Servalan shows up on the Feldon mining planet at the same time. She's investigating discrepancies between invoices and production on the part of Bitesoff, the head of the mining firm. Bitesoff is a completely amoral fraud who's made a pet of his computer (Perhaps he's really Avon's father.)

Bitesoff flees after telling his computer, Gumbit (no relation to the episode of the same title) that it should drop dead because it won too many games against him, Vila sweet-talks Gumbit into letting him extract one circuit so they can cheat on the waiting room games Bitesoff set up before anyone could get to the Feldon. They cheat, but so did Bitesoff. Gumbit gets the last word. Bitesoff bites the dust. The Sore Pit Oh! crew winds up with nothing except a bad taste in their mouths, as usual.

'Band': Avon hears about a planet full of bands and thinks orthodonture is where the real money is, so he sends Dayna and Tarrant down. The bands are actually tiny Mad Alien Dentists, who fall in love with Tarrant's teeth. Dayna goes back to the Sore Pit Oh! feeling hurt. By amazing coincidence *cough* Servalan is also on the planet, and the bands try to get her and Tarrant to breed, thus supplying them with children to torment with braces.

Some bands sneak on Sore Pit Oh! and attempt to induce Dayna and Soolin to breed with Avon because he is the Orthodontic Male, but unfortunately we miss the scene in which the two girls laugh themselves sick. Avon realizes the bands are sensitive to atmospheric vibrations, and turns up the office radio, plugging in extra amps, until the whole planet is holding its ears against 'He's a rebel', and is too busy to prevent them all from escaping, although it does take Servalan and Tarrant a few minutes to unlock their braces after they kiss.

'Gold Crown': Avon hears that gold teeth are making a fashion comeback, so he makes a deal with a friend in the business. Their attempt to steal it from the factory fails, possibly due to the friend's inconspicuous disguise as Father Christmas.

They next try to get the gold from the luxury clinic, the Spaced-Out Princess, where all the patients are doped in the waiting rooms and never realize that no one ever works on their teeth. Dayna and Tarrant play spaced-out very well, Avon mainly stares at the patients, wondering if they'd notice if he had a quick grope in their mouths. They get the gold, but it's all tarnished, and no use to them, so Avon very cleverly tricks Servalan into trading it for cash vouchers at Big Bob's House o' Teeth. As Avon is counting vouchers and planning to buy a new leather dentist's chair for himself, Plaque points out the Big Bob has fled with all the assets, and fashion has changed again, making tarnished teeth the new Look so Servalan is rich while they're dead broke. Avon flips his vouchers while everyone else quietly starts making out job resumes and putting out feelers for employment.

'Overbite': Another Mad Scientist calls Avon to have some candy, little girl make an advantageous deal. He wants Plaque to do his dental homework and in exchange, he'll give Avon his Tacky On device that glues fillings in place worldwide at a single button-push.

Avon takes Vila with him to visit Egoreallyon and his assistant Igor Spindly, on Mal Odor. Avon gets on well with Egoreallyon who is a Mad Scientist Sadistic Dentist of the highest order, with purple clusters, yet.

They make the exchange. Avon giggles because he gave Egoreallyon a fake Plaque. Egoreallyon giggles because he put a potato in the exhaust pipe on the shuttle and they will crash and he and Spindly can retrieve Avon's and Vila's teeth from the wreckage to add to their collection of Rebel Enamel.

Servalan is there by invitation, not coincidence, this time. Egoreallyon wants to set up a practise with her, and despite his bad breath, she is considering it, but when Avon discovers the potato (after scaring Vila half to death by talking about shoving his body through the fuel pipes to clean them out) and saves the shuttle from crashing, Servalan takes a deep breath of relief and scampers away from Mal Odor. Spindly deliberately sanitizes the whole base, because he was upset that Egoreallyon hadn't offered him a partnership. Vila tries out a biting remark on Avon.

'Mouthguard': Avon tries to get a consortium of Dentists together, with Suckson providing most of the financial backing. Suckson is a typical Sadistic Dentist, already in league with Servalan (surprise, surprise) so he blows the whole deal, including Nitrous Oxide base.

In the meantime, Tarrant has fallen in lust love with Suckson's daughter, Zeemyhair, because she has impressive hair and teeth and he thinks they'd look good together in the ad for the new dental firm he's going to start once he gets his back pay from Avon.

Avon and Soolin go to Suckson's planet and are double-crossed, with Avon being staked out in the sand for some elaborate death routine (Cue chorus: No one reads the Evil Overlord rulebook). Soolin cleverly disguises herself as Suckson's daughter (look, I have boobs and I say I'm Zeemyhair! See my hair?) and rescues Avon, who rewards her with a smile. She manages not to pass out from gratitude. They return to Nitrous Oxide and Avon tells them to switch the reverse cycle heating back to A/C, thus saving the day.

The clinic is a total mess. Feeling guilty Zeemyhair goes down to sweep up but her hair gets caught in the ventilator and she's blown away. Suckson also gets blown away. Tarrant is upset because he'd already paid to have 5,000 business cards printed up with her picture.

'Break': Plaque tells Avon he's a total loser and he might as well crawl back to Blake and beg for a job as receptionist/ file clerk/ autoclave operator. Avon bites the bullet and takes everyone to Gotta Lotta Crime, where Blake is supposedly turning rebel dentists in to the ethics board for the whistle-blower's reward.

Plaque tells Snivel to shut up when it tries to warn them the ship is about to be drilled so the ship gets big cavities. Everyone, except Tarrant, toothaparts down to Gotta Lotta Crime. Tarrant crash-lands the Sore Pit Oh! in the middle of a bunch of pine trees, so at least it smells nice.

Plaque and Avon find Soolin, Dayna and Vila huddling in an abandoned dental clinic. Avon is not in a good mood, so he drills the local dentists who had shown up to greet them and steals their vehicle. In the meantime, Blake has found Tarrant, and told him that he's going to turn them all in to the Feds. 'nyah, nyah, nyah, what are you going to do about it'? Tarrant wibbles, whacks Blake and wobbles off to warn Avon and the others, who had followed him and Blake home to mother the base. Blake stops his newest recruit, Aintlyin', from grabbing Tarrant and saying 'wait a sec, it was only a joke'.

Blake pauses to brush his teeth, giving Tarrant time to tell Avon that Blake is out to pull his teeth. Blake shows up and smiles. Blake's obviously been sniffing too much ether and when Avon begs Blake to deny that he's decayed Avon, Blake mumbles something spacey. Avon has a flashback to root canal treatment (his first dentist smiled just like that), so he drills Blake three times. He stares down at Blake wondering how the heck he's ever going to get the blood stains out of the office waiting room linoleum.

Aintlyin' sneers, making it perfectly clear that Blake was confused, not guilty,and she's a Fed. She drills Dayna. Vila sucker-punches Aintlyin and then a bunch of Tartars come in, and drill everyone except Avon, who is still thinking linoleum: bleach? lemon juice? Boraxo? Avon looks up. Everything goes black and the sounds of many drills buzz.

This really bites.

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